2.9.09

Had It All

"I had it all
threw it all aside
Thinkin' there was more there I needed to find
I had it all baby
To give it away
Blue skies, sunshine and butterflies
Those were the conditions that I left behind
Why did I let it go to waste
I had it all"
Katharine McPhee - Had It All

This lyrics really reflects how we may feel after we do something that later seems stupid, not to say any other word. I mean, not what we feel for the rest of our lives, well, in some cases perhaps but nevermind. I'm starting to rambling around my thoughts.
The thing is... everytime something unpleasant is said during a discussion, everytime we do something that may lead to a possible regret we can't avoid the thoughts and thoughts that appear on our mind minutes after that "incident". I happen to be completely unable to keep that same thoughts away from me, even thought I I've been through several situations that gave me lessons and "showed" me how to react towards people and towards similar situations. But I don't apply those knowledge. I just CAN'T.

But... is all that worrying really important? Is it necessary for? For me? For the person who was on the other side? For anyone in general? Perhaps it isn't. Who knows? Maybe every once in awhile we should let things go and let them vanish from our minds just with time but.. there's always the other side. The side that push some people... not all, but a group of them. Every now and then you happen to have the chance to meet someone who cares about the others. Someone who always check on others needs first, taking care of them. After taking care of all the rest that person may take care of herself, but even that happens to be a rarity because sometimes that same need is forgotten.


I've been said that I happen to be one of those people. If I consider myself one of them? I'm not sure. But I won't deny either. I won't deny that I can't stand in my own life and not help another person, it's just not my nature. I always think about that. I don't see my mom doing that... or my dad.. or even my brother or my sister. They just don't do that. But I have to do something to help the others. I feel like I should. I like to see the smile on people's face, I like to see the expression they show when everything's perfect for them, when they feel like at the top of the world. Not too long ago I "sacrificed" myself. Not once, but twice. As first, I tried to help some friends. I discovered everything that was causing the conflicts, the discussions, the "cry sessions", the yellings and I happened to found the way to resolve them. I just kept denying myself the time with those same friends. I discovered that the more I stayed away, the more things were getting better. So I figured, perhaps that's what's necessary. I used to see more than two people sad but then I realized that they were becoming happier, day after day. That was a sacrifice for me, not because of the happiness they felt but because of what I was missing. I was missing some moments I used to share but I was willing to give up on some of them, even if just for a short period so things could get better with them. And I did that. Meanwhile, still getting used to that idea, I allowed myself to make another "sacrifice". To give a third or fourth chance to another person who caused me a lot of pain in the past. But the thing is, I went forward and right now I'm still giving that opportunity and i'm always sacrificing because I know that this friendship is always a open door to suffer even more. Because of that sacrifice and despite the fact that I made some people happier, one of those suddenly happier juswt couldn't help me out when I needed the most. In fact, there was a fight. A huge one that I won't say I'm guilty for because my guilt isn't half of the problem, its nearly none (this may sound like I'm a know-all but after many reviwes of conversations and all that I'm pretty sure I haven't done anything wrong). Despite of that fact, I tried to solve everything. I tried to make things work, I gave the first step. Wait!! I gave several "first steps" but the truth is that the other one didn't make any effort so.. I wonder.. was all my worrying really necessary? Or did I just waste my time?


I already forbidden myself from giving any "new" steps. Why? Because... as bad as it sounds, as contradictory it may be according to your beliefs.. sometimes the right thing to do is to let go. No matter if we had it all for some months, years, no matter if it gave us some great memories because the reality turns out to be cruel sometimes. Because.. if you try to solve things, if you try to make them better but you don't have the help you NEED to have from the other I'm sorry to tell you this but you aren't going anywhere. The only thing left to do is to let things go, let all disappear from your mind, your world. Let things fly away from you.

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