Here is the thing, everyone has a trademark. Don't you get it? It's simple.
Every single person has a thing of their own. Something that really defines their character.
I've been thinking about it lately and perhaps found my trademark. And I HATE it! I don't understand why I have this habit, I don't understand myself and I can't believe how naive I can be although I know exactly what's wrong and what's bad. I know that so well that I use that knowledge when someone asks for an advice. So, why don't I apply it myself? Easy. I'm Stupid! Yes, with a S! Not a s...
The thing that I always do? I let myself create and develop relationships that end up tearing me down harder than I thought they could. I learned, too soon in my opinion, that we shouldn't trust anyone when we first meet them. What the hell, I don't know that person! I just met her! How can I say that I trust her? It's completely insane!! And, said that, I also learned that even some trust is already built we shouldn't be something we're not, we shouldn't say things that we don't mean from the heart. It may sound cheesy I know but c'mon.. Saying 'I love you' to every single person? I think that's even more insane than trusting too soon.
So, if someone manage to let me comfortable enough to walk through the first thing I said - the trust issue - I happen to develop another kind of relationship. That person isn't just someone with who I talk every now and then. It's a friend. And that's a good thing. Right? Wrong! Things aren't always like that. Sometimes I'm wrong. Lately, more than I thought it could be possible but... nevermind. And when I'm wrong it's because something happens and make me see things in a different perspective. It's hard. But then, I let "That" happen. I show what may be my trademark. If that someone who's tearing me down is someone I really want to be close to I will give a second chance. A second chance that's most always wasted. Wasted by them even when they promised to make an effort. I will attempt a second time to make everything right. And in some cases I will give more than two opportunities. I keep fighting for the relationship. Even I'm out of energy I'm still on the battlefield... but honestly, I'm reaching the limit.
I'm tired. I'm tired of all this.
I'm tired of being the best friend, and I'm tired of being the great girl with nothing but good intentions and who's always there to answer phone calls just to hear their problems, to help with the college works or any other kind of projects. Not that I don't like to be considered best friend but I'm tired because of all the stuff that may come with it. I'm exhausted due the effort I make to keep all the emotions inside me and not let myself cry until I'm alone at night just because everyone thinks I'm a strong person who can deal with everything that comes on her way. I'm tired of trying to correspond to everyone expectatives.
And mostly, above all, I'm tired of promises that aren't keep. I just had enough of hearing someone say "You're my best friend. I will always be here for you" or "I will never disappoint you". If you don't tend to keep that promise don't say it! If you don't mean it, Shut Up! I don't wanna hear more lies!
I had enough of that.
If you say something, keep it.
I can't always be the nice girl. I can't always be the strong one.
I'm a person. I like to believe that there is indeed good people in the world.
I don't wanna be broken. In 19 years I had enough "broken moments". I'm tired...